Apr 26, 2017
The news of a woman who climed a crane downtown early this morning really has us city folk scratching our heads. She climbed a crane at Church & Wellesley, then slid down a cable to a pulley, where she sat for 4+ hours until Toronto Fire rescued her! Wearing two-inch heels nonetheless! This is one of the most bizarre things we’ve ever seen, and, working in the comedy industry, that says a lot!
How in the world did this woman accomplish this?! Does she have magical flying powers, which fade at 4am? Were her and Superman making out on the pulley, ’til he suddenly got called to an emergency on the other side of the planet, leaving her to fend for herself? Or perhaps an evil villain left her there?
Either way, emergency crews spent hours climbing up the crane and bringing her down to safety. She was surprisingly calm. In some of the photos, she appears to be smiling! Who needs selfies when you have all of the city’s news photographers snapping your shot while you dangle 12 stories in the air, more gangsta than Drake?!
All jokes aside, this un-named woman is most likely mentally ill and we hope she gets the help she needs. If she’s not, she’s got some ‘splainin to do.